Mission Statement
(Final Draft – Subject to Ongoing Clarification, Revision, and Apology)
The Department of Existence Reconciliation is committed to the proactive, reactive, and occasionally retroactive delivery of apologies across all known realities, timelines, dimensions, and inconvenient edge cases.
Our mission is to acknowledge, record, and where feasible pre-emptively regret any event, action, inaction, misunderstanding, or spontaneous occurrence that may have caused offence, discomfort, existential unease, or mild irritation to any sentient, semi-sentient, post-sentient, or unexpectedly sentient entity.
Through the implementation of standardised apology workflows, scalable remorse distribution, and best-in-class expressions of institutional regret, we aim to ensure that everyone receives an apology, whether they asked for one, deserved one, or were in the general vicinity at the time.
We recognise that responsibility is complex, causality is optional, and fault is often difficult to assign. Accordingly, we apologise first and determine accountability later, if at all. Where clarity cannot be achieved, we will apologise again, more formally.
The Department endeavours to maintain universal stability by ensuring that no grievance goes unacknowledged, no mistake goes entirely unfiled, and no apology is delivered without the appropriate supporting documentation.
While apologies may not resolve the issue, improve morale, or prevent recurrence, they will be logged.
And in the event that an apology causes further disruption, we apologise for that too.
Core Values
Accountability
We take responsibility for outcomes whenever responsibility can be confidently identified, approved, and assigned to an appropriate third party.
Transparency
All processes are fully documented, except where clarity might cause confusion, distress, or questions.
Consistency
Apologies will be delivered uniformly, unless exceptional circumstances apply, in which case they will be handled differently.
Efficiency
We strive to apologise as quickly as possible, provided all required forms have been completed, reviewed, rejected, resubmitted, and archived.
Empathy
Demonstrated where measurable, encouraged where practical, and discouraged if it interferes with throughput.
Continuous Improvement
We are always refining our apology processes in response to previous apologies that did not go as planned.
Inclusivity
Apologies are available to everyone, including those who do not wish to receive them.